Chapter One

sorry guys. I haven't given up. I've just been super busy and stressed with school and all. Yesterday, though, I started my book. This is the beginning of Chapter One:

 Right now it feels as if I’m typing this during my toughest time of life. I know, though, that other times I’ve been through worse. This is Chapter One. I am starting it on 4/22/12. I don’t want to write an autobiography, no. I want to write more than a boring old book. This will be something you won’t ever want to put down. I hope my stories and my life will inspire you, make you laugh, and make you cry. If it doesn’t do any of those for you, then this whole thing would be a failure.

 I’m not going to start off from when I was born. Quite frankly I don’t remember that, nor does it matter much. Well. I guess being born does matter otherwise I wouldn’t be here typing this.

 Anyways, I’m going to start right now. Literally. I am eighteen and twelve days young. This year is supposed to be full of joy and fun. Right? Well, not so much. Life’s been pretty sucky lately, as in this school year. I’ve been bombarded with work. I’m taking four college credit courses, and two “college-track” classes. This becomes a heck of a lot work for me. When its mixed with my work from K-Mart, I hardly ever sleep. I get home from work at 10:22 at the earliest, usually it’s later. My routine then consists of going on the computer and doing my homework until 12:30ish. Lately, I’ve been up until 1:30 at times, but thankfully I’ve only been working about two or three days a week. I have to wake up the next day at 6:40 so usually I get around 5 hours of sleep. You probably know by now that that is way less than a girl my age should be getting each night. It’s recommend that I should be getting 8 to 9 hours of sleep each night… I wish I could get that amount.

...

I hate caring about someone so much that it hurts. I sometimes wish I had amnesia or something. Seriously. Today I was thinking to myself that I don’t want to love anymore. I’m afraid to love someone else, and I don’t want someone else loving me. It seems like every time something like this happens, I end up disappointing the person, or I get hurt and screwed over. and I hate that. Its like there’s more of a chance of having a bad time in a relationship now, than a good time. I don’t wanna play Russian Roulette with those chances either. I wish I could fast forward life somehow to see how things will go about, or talk to the creator of my destiny, I guess. It just sucks so much… Having to say goodbye every time I see you, and thinking, I wonder if you feel the same way I do. Like I said, I’m frightened, if you truly do love me, I’d be estatic. But then I’d probably be mad. I get jealous, so I’d ask, “well what about all those other girls you hang out with?” and I know you would reply, “oh, they’re just friends. they don’t mean as much as you do to me.” and I would say, “awww, okay.” but really I would get angry at night like this because I know they get to see you more than I do, and I miss you a lot. and nobody would understand how much, cause not even I do. See, the reason I get jealous isn’t because I think you care about those other girls more… I get jealous because I cannot think in any possible way that those girls care about you near as much as I do. And I want you to receive all the love and care in the world, only from me though. So here I am. Being angry, jealous, selfish, and quite frankly, tired, miserable and feeling sick. All because of love. I wish I knew what to do or how to get through this. But I’m stuck until you allow me to hear what your real thoughts and feelings are. Until then I’m stuck dreaming of what can happen, or what I want to happen, and then getting upset again from getting my hopes up. this is why my motto is: “Hope for the best, but prepare for the worse.”

My Prayer

I love life, and all that comes with it. I'm blessed and I ain't kidding. I can't believe all that I have. I thank you God, for my mom and dad. Its truly amazing that I know the people I do. I hope, even through life struggles, that I will never forget all that You gave to me. It doesn't seem right, and it doesn't seem fair. For You have given me more than I deserve. I pray that someday, all that You've given me will somehow be returned. and certainly, oh certainly I don't want a reward. I am sorry for the things that I've done, or the things that I've said that would ever make You feel unappreciated, for I know what that's like, and I don't like it all. So dear Lord, what I guess I'm saying is, I'm grateful You listen whenever I call.

Hello Guys! I'm Back (:

No, I didn't disappear. I was off in a place they call Costa Rica. It was a great, but certainly tireding experience. I am very glad to be home. I missed the sights and weather of good ol' PA. We did many things down there. For six days straight, I got about seven hours of non-quality sleep. Then up in the morning, we would eat (usually something with rice and eggs), go on a hike somewhere to view the country, and after lunch, do some other exciting activity. I was so sore for most of the week. I know though that I was very fortunate to see and do all the things we did. I'm very thankful that I could go on the trip, and view other cultures, and see magnificent plants and animals. I kept a journal down there so I wrote what we did each day, and funny or exciting things that also occurred. I will either make youtube videos of my day, or type them up on here. Thanks for not giving up on me yet. (:

hasta luego! :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7n4Typ1IXKg&context=C424a989ADvjVQa1PpcFM14jDZS35xnjRIhCqp4biykvdNGjYTJBA=

I don't try to be the bad guy, no one does.

All I do is try to make people happy. And what ends up happening, is someone else getting hurt. Its not my fault if someone lies to me. I am easily deceived and gullible. I will admit that. So if someone manipulates me, I will do what makes them happy. It sucks being a people pleaser all the time. People will make lies about me, because I don’t always stand up for my self. and it sucks. I guess I get what I deserve. If I don’t stand up for me, then who will? My life isn’t perfect it’s far from. So before you start pointing fingers. You better look beyond what’s on my face. Sure I have a smile. But that doesn’t mean everything’s okay. And don’t be quick to judge. Examine your own life first. Take into account that sometimes the criminal is the victim… 


"God forbid you had to walk a mile in their shoes, then you really might know what it's like to have to choose."
-Everlast

Wasteland

No matter how hard we try or how much we care; we’re always going to be disregarded. Unappreciated. Because you know what? We live in a junk yard. We use things, abuse things, then throw them out. We forget about it, and let it rust. What happened to the days where the people in your life actually mattered? Who’s in your junk yard? Are they buried down deep. I hope not. I hope you didn’t just need them for money, or wanted them for sex. Because. Guess what… They’re a person too. You don’t like it when someone forgets, ignores, or stops caring for you, so why do it to other people. Can’t you see what you’re throwing away? You’ve wasted her. And now she feels like she’s a waste herself. You need to embrace these things. You know the saying, “One’s man trash is another man’s treasure.” Well that’s the same with humans. Don’t screw one over and go onto the next. Make peace with everyone. Nobody should get in the way of your relationships. Keep them separate. You keep one pile over there, and another over here. There’s a reason why people care, and a reason why they give up caring. Don’t be that person that just takes it to the junk yard. Hold on and cherish it. Remember what it was like when you first got it. Apply this to you and your relationships now. I’m tired of feeling like a pile of garbage. 

Things I've learned from Love

• don’t ever trust somebody with everything.
• stay close, but not too close.
• if you ever feel like crying, keep it to yourself.
• nobody really wants to listen to all your problems.
• there’s usually only one person that can make your day better.
• don’t be sad over a heartbreak. now you’re free. move onto someone better.
• if you don’t feel like you’re being treated right, you most likely aren’t.
• it isn’t the big things people do for you, it’s the little things.
• a simple statement can make your day, or week.
• don’t ever say “I love you” until they say it first.
• never get attached. attachment = dependence.
• if you think you miss them after one day, try a week or a month.
• and finally…
• best friends will always come before love.
• love kills, it bites, it breaks and sometimes won’t ever forgive.
• true best friends will stick by forever. through thick and thin. they forgive, and will always love.
• I guess that’s why they say, “your spouse should be your best friend”…

"The language of friendship is not words but meanings."

We all need friends,
to get through the ups and the downs.
To share the smiles and the frowns.
We all need friends,
to love and to laugh.
to hug and to cry.
It's not how many you have,
but how important they are.
for to me, one best friend
can replace a thousand "little friends"
together until the end,
and sometimes more loving than a spouse,
will be your friend.
the best thing in your life.
that one person that will always say goodnight.
a friend is needed for when you're down.
for when you have been kicked around.
they mean something special,
unbelievably true.
a friend knows you,
even better than you do.

say thanks to them often,
and don't ever let them leave.
stay by their side.
through thick and through thin.
and no matter what,
don't ever give in.
you may mean more to them.
then you'll ever know.
just give it time.
and let that friendship grow.

Another Poem

I need to get away right now.
I need to be happy,
at least content, somehow.
I want to be happy,
I want to be able to be me.
Not just that person that everyone sees.
I need to be home.
Not just my house.
but a home.
I want to find a place of peace and calm.
I want a place like the inside of God's palm.
somewhere other than here.
where I won't cry,
or even fear.
I want that person
to tell me it's okay.
not just anyone.
but that person that understands every word I say.
I wish it would be the way it used to.
life was a breeze.
I could go on with ease.
but I know, that's not how it's meant to be.
we all face struggles.
and we all fall to our knees.
the important thing is to keep looking up,
even when you're all out of luck.
because when you're looking down,
there's not to look at, but the ground.
when they say the sky is the limit,
don't take it to the horizon.
take it past.
and let all the happy moments last.

"From Caring comes Courage"

Yes, I get angry. Rarely at other people. Just mostly at myself. People think because I'm so sweet and a push over that I never get angry. I do though. If you were to make fun of my family, I can get pretty mean. Honestly though, I get unbelievably mad at myself. I get mad because I care too much. I get mad from the feelings of jealousy I get. And I get angry for being mad at myself. I have false dreams that I get consumed with, only to be trampled down. But I never give up hope. Cause there's always tomorrow. But now my shell is harder than before. I'm becoming calloused. I try to stay as loving and compassionate as before. but it's hard. knowing your heart can be broken once more. Thank goodness I'm a tough one. and that I can forgive easily. Otherwise I'd be stuck in a rut. I can only act like I'm okay for a short while. Until things back up, and I explode. I think it's rather stupid for me to get mad at things I can't help to feel. But I'd rather have these emotions be elsewhere... I'm not quite sure. Everybody handles them differently. I wish I wouldn't get mad at myself. Its not healthy. But I'd rather blame me, than anyone else. Because you know what? I'm the one who decides whether I am happy or not. And I realize life would be pretty miserable if I didn't take the time to see the good parts of life. I just keep pushing on and remind myself that everything happens for a reason...

"Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated"

You would think that as time goes on, you would start to realize you don't need someone to make you happy. Maybe you would miss that certain someone less. Sort of forgetting about him/her. But if that someone is the only one who knows you, truly knows you. Then how can you let that go? If that somebody is the only person that you feel cares about your stories. Or the only person that will share his/her silly, embarrassing stories with you, then who do you turn to. Now, we all say someone is irreplaceable, but I honestly believe I could replace many people in my life. I've finally found someone that I cry about. Just thinking of him. I need that one person so damn much, I can't even describe. Sure, I have my bestest friends. One since I was 8. I love her to death, and she with me. But I know deep down, we both get irritated at each other. And I know what I'm feeling right now is close to when I didn't think my brother was going to make it. I broke down. Thinking. This will never be the same. All those years we spent together, have suddenly halted, and I just want to know you're okay. I just want to hear your voice. I never want to say goodbye. Because I realize, it kills me slowly not having you. Just having you. Those are the same feelings I felt when my brother was in critical condition, and those are the same feelings I get with you. I don't mean having you in a possessive way. I mean having you. Having you here. Available. Being able to feel those things I do when you talk to me, and when you're around. Even getting a text from you, somehow makes my days brighter. This stinks. Honestly. It's hard for me to enjoy stuff as easily as I used to. Because nothing is as great as when I'm with you. Nothing can ever make me euphorically happy as you do. It's horrible. and I truly wish it wasn't this way. I hate these feelings. I really do. There's a void in me. There's vulnerability with everything I say about you. And there's always a feeling of being pathetic. I know I was fine before you. But somehow, even if I shouldn't. I can't imagine life without you. That's as best as I can explain it.

"Superman"

Nobody knows what someone else is dealing with. Never. Even if you think you're best friends. Honestly. I mean people aren't that open-hearted. Everything would be much easier if that was sure. I wish people wouldn't try to intervene so much and take stuff as it is. We know Superman doesn't exist in real life, so why act like him? the only person who can truly save is Jesus. We gotta take life as it is. Either you have control of yourself, or everything is lost. I mean come on. Even Dr. Phil had marriage problems... Why can't people see that things do happen for a reason. And that no matter what, some people will never change. We cant ever force someone to change. Suggest, sure. Force? eh. Its always up to them. Yeah, sure. You probably think all of this is easy for me to say. You probably think my life is a breeze. It's far from that. It's more like a tornado. And sure, I clean up the debris afterward. We help as much as possible. But none of us are superman. So where the hurricane struck, there's forever going to be scars. Life goes on, and we move on. What else is there to do? we can drag someone with us. Or find some temporary happiness. But truly, what you gotta look forward to is heaven. That's where Superman is. Then everything will be brand new. And no more hurt to be caused. This life is thankfully a short glimpse.

"A journey is a person in itself; no two are alike. And all plans, safeguards, policing, and coercion are fruitless. We find that after years of struggle that we do not take a trip; a trip takes us."
John Steinbeck

"I miss you"

Those three words.... What do they really mean to me? A whole heck of a lot. To me, missing anyone puts you in a vulnerable place. It makes me feel like I am dependent on a single person or thing. It takes a lot for me to truly miss someone. Honestly, I know what its like. Its hard for me to show sympathy towards some people because they'll miss their love after three days or so. Now how about leaving your brother in a hospital in critical condition. Or being away from one of your closest friends of the opposite sex for weeks on end, and hardly ever hearing his voice. That sucks. None of this pity high school concept of missing someone. I like to keep myself guarded. Which sometimes isn't always a good thing. I try to keep my feelings inside, so everyone else can  tell their feelings to me. It sucks sometimes when people don't know how much they actually mean to me. I don't just throw around words like "love" and "miss". People have to earn that. Respect and trust is needed if you want a real relationship with me. And if I do say those words to you, you better feel lucky. You must've done something right. And trust me, I wouldn't want to lose you. Not many people know the deep down under-the-skin Brittany, and I believe that's why I enjoy writing so much. It gives me a chance to easily express myself. Don't feel like you're not important if you don't know everything about me. If you're reading this, you know a lot more about me than many other people. So, thanks. And please. Don't throw meaningful words around like nothing.




“I miss you when something really good happens, because you are the one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because you are the one who understands me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry because I know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear. I miss you all the time, but I miss you most when I lay awake at night and think of all the wonderful times we spent with eachother; for those were some of the best times of my life.”

Oh, to be young again.

Yes, I know. I'm not that old. I'm not even considered an adult yer. but.... I have seen time fly. It just amazes. And in a way, I want to go back. Back to when I was young and life was simple. Being seventeen though, I realize many more things than before. I'll be honest. I could stay seventeen forever. Its just a lot of stress. I love this age though, because there's so many things that I know now, but so much more to learn. I'm still fascinated at the world. and still have time to dream. Granted, I have no where close to an imagination as the kids I babysit, or the curiosity. But neither am I bitter or cynical about the world. It would be just wonderful if I could go back in time. I kind of think I lost some of my childhood. I would stress a lot. And all had was two or three friends. Until I got older, got braces, and lost weight. Its amazing how much, even at a young age, looks matter... but thats a different topic. Everything happens for a reason, and I truly believe that. I'm upset that life goes so fast, but then again, I'm glad that I realize that even now. I know the future is bright. I'm very optimistic. And I still can relive my youth. I've been spending time outside with my guy friends, and playing with my baby sister and the kids I watch. Its great to stay around the young. Now I'm starting to understand why they say life goes by so quickly. truly, our life is but a glimpse in the whole scheme of things...


"Children are remarkable for their intelligence and ardor, for their curiosity, their intolerance of shams, the clarity and ruthlessness of their vision."
Aldous Huxley

Poems of Sorts

All that glitters isn't gold.
And stories in life go untold.
The present lays out,
and the future unfolds.
To all the children we hope to mold:
we may seem unwise and frankly, old.
but listen up, or later you'll  be told.


When life gets you down,
and there's no one around:
just keep moving on.
When you're about to give up,
and you're all outta luck:
Just keep moving along.
When you think you can't handle anymore,
and you're about to quit or head out the door:
just keep going strong.
When you're at your ends wit,
and nothing seems up to fit;
just keep pushing through.
When all that you do seems wrong,
and there's no where you belong:
just keep being you.
keep moving on
keep moving along
keep going strong
keep pushing through
just keep being you.


"He who has a why to live for, can bear almost any how." Friedrich Nietzsche 

Emotions

I think about this often. "why do we have all these different feelings and perceptions?" I'm not one to be sympathetic to anyone's sadness or loneliness, even my own. Although, I do hate when I am sad and have negative feelings. I get very mad and frustrated at myself when I cry or get sick from being upset. I'm not quite sure what it is that makes me feel that way. It could be from my upbringing, or just the way I take things, the way I view life. Who knows. Maybe circumstantial issues. All I know is that, tonight I was crying. Why? Well apparently because I miss someone a whole heck of a lot. This is a shock to me. 1. because I only once actually missed a person and 2. I cried... My brother was hit by a car, as some may know, and he was in the hospital under critical condition. Then I cried, and I certainly cried a lot. But that was reasonable. Now I'm crying because someone is far away from me, for some reason that seems silly. I know there's a lot more to it than that he's just far away. but I don't feel any pity on me, and I don't want anyone else to. I often think emotions are useless. But then again. what would life be then. I guess with the hurt and the pain, comes the laughs and smiles. I am almost always optimistic. I try to at least, I believe its a lot more healthier. But to some point, being happy and optimistic does have its downfalls. Like now. I don't know how to deal with these kinds of motions. I said to my friend earlier, "I wish I knew how to deal with negative emotions like normal people." Honestly though, not many people actually do know how to handle their emotions. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you take what you get, and you either use it or you don't. You can cry and sob. Have a pity party for yourself. Or get over it and realize it could be worse. That's always my vice. "It could be worse." It most certainly could. 


“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.” 
― Robert Frost