Chapter One

sorry guys. I haven't given up. I've just been super busy and stressed with school and all. Yesterday, though, I started my book. This is the beginning of Chapter One:

 Right now it feels as if I’m typing this during my toughest time of life. I know, though, that other times I’ve been through worse. This is Chapter One. I am starting it on 4/22/12. I don’t want to write an autobiography, no. I want to write more than a boring old book. This will be something you won’t ever want to put down. I hope my stories and my life will inspire you, make you laugh, and make you cry. If it doesn’t do any of those for you, then this whole thing would be a failure.

 I’m not going to start off from when I was born. Quite frankly I don’t remember that, nor does it matter much. Well. I guess being born does matter otherwise I wouldn’t be here typing this.

 Anyways, I’m going to start right now. Literally. I am eighteen and twelve days young. This year is supposed to be full of joy and fun. Right? Well, not so much. Life’s been pretty sucky lately, as in this school year. I’ve been bombarded with work. I’m taking four college credit courses, and two “college-track” classes. This becomes a heck of a lot work for me. When its mixed with my work from K-Mart, I hardly ever sleep. I get home from work at 10:22 at the earliest, usually it’s later. My routine then consists of going on the computer and doing my homework until 12:30ish. Lately, I’ve been up until 1:30 at times, but thankfully I’ve only been working about two or three days a week. I have to wake up the next day at 6:40 so usually I get around 5 hours of sleep. You probably know by now that that is way less than a girl my age should be getting each night. It’s recommend that I should be getting 8 to 9 hours of sleep each night… I wish I could get that amount.

...

I hate caring about someone so much that it hurts. I sometimes wish I had amnesia or something. Seriously. Today I was thinking to myself that I don’t want to love anymore. I’m afraid to love someone else, and I don’t want someone else loving me. It seems like every time something like this happens, I end up disappointing the person, or I get hurt and screwed over. and I hate that. Its like there’s more of a chance of having a bad time in a relationship now, than a good time. I don’t wanna play Russian Roulette with those chances either. I wish I could fast forward life somehow to see how things will go about, or talk to the creator of my destiny, I guess. It just sucks so much… Having to say goodbye every time I see you, and thinking, I wonder if you feel the same way I do. Like I said, I’m frightened, if you truly do love me, I’d be estatic. But then I’d probably be mad. I get jealous, so I’d ask, “well what about all those other girls you hang out with?” and I know you would reply, “oh, they’re just friends. they don’t mean as much as you do to me.” and I would say, “awww, okay.” but really I would get angry at night like this because I know they get to see you more than I do, and I miss you a lot. and nobody would understand how much, cause not even I do. See, the reason I get jealous isn’t because I think you care about those other girls more… I get jealous because I cannot think in any possible way that those girls care about you near as much as I do. And I want you to receive all the love and care in the world, only from me though. So here I am. Being angry, jealous, selfish, and quite frankly, tired, miserable and feeling sick. All because of love. I wish I knew what to do or how to get through this. But I’m stuck until you allow me to hear what your real thoughts and feelings are. Until then I’m stuck dreaming of what can happen, or what I want to happen, and then getting upset again from getting my hopes up. this is why my motto is: “Hope for the best, but prepare for the worse.”

My Prayer

I love life, and all that comes with it. I'm blessed and I ain't kidding. I can't believe all that I have. I thank you God, for my mom and dad. Its truly amazing that I know the people I do. I hope, even through life struggles, that I will never forget all that You gave to me. It doesn't seem right, and it doesn't seem fair. For You have given me more than I deserve. I pray that someday, all that You've given me will somehow be returned. and certainly, oh certainly I don't want a reward. I am sorry for the things that I've done, or the things that I've said that would ever make You feel unappreciated, for I know what that's like, and I don't like it all. So dear Lord, what I guess I'm saying is, I'm grateful You listen whenever I call.

Hello Guys! I'm Back (:

No, I didn't disappear. I was off in a place they call Costa Rica. It was a great, but certainly tireding experience. I am very glad to be home. I missed the sights and weather of good ol' PA. We did many things down there. For six days straight, I got about seven hours of non-quality sleep. Then up in the morning, we would eat (usually something with rice and eggs), go on a hike somewhere to view the country, and after lunch, do some other exciting activity. I was so sore for most of the week. I know though that I was very fortunate to see and do all the things we did. I'm very thankful that I could go on the trip, and view other cultures, and see magnificent plants and animals. I kept a journal down there so I wrote what we did each day, and funny or exciting things that also occurred. I will either make youtube videos of my day, or type them up on here. Thanks for not giving up on me yet. (:

hasta luego! :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7n4Typ1IXKg&context=C424a989ADvjVQa1PpcFM14jDZS35xnjRIhCqp4biykvdNGjYTJBA=

I don't try to be the bad guy, no one does.

All I do is try to make people happy. And what ends up happening, is someone else getting hurt. Its not my fault if someone lies to me. I am easily deceived and gullible. I will admit that. So if someone manipulates me, I will do what makes them happy. It sucks being a people pleaser all the time. People will make lies about me, because I don’t always stand up for my self. and it sucks. I guess I get what I deserve. If I don’t stand up for me, then who will? My life isn’t perfect it’s far from. So before you start pointing fingers. You better look beyond what’s on my face. Sure I have a smile. But that doesn’t mean everything’s okay. And don’t be quick to judge. Examine your own life first. Take into account that sometimes the criminal is the victim… 


"God forbid you had to walk a mile in their shoes, then you really might know what it's like to have to choose."
-Everlast

Wasteland

No matter how hard we try or how much we care; we’re always going to be disregarded. Unappreciated. Because you know what? We live in a junk yard. We use things, abuse things, then throw them out. We forget about it, and let it rust. What happened to the days where the people in your life actually mattered? Who’s in your junk yard? Are they buried down deep. I hope not. I hope you didn’t just need them for money, or wanted them for sex. Because. Guess what… They’re a person too. You don’t like it when someone forgets, ignores, or stops caring for you, so why do it to other people. Can’t you see what you’re throwing away? You’ve wasted her. And now she feels like she’s a waste herself. You need to embrace these things. You know the saying, “One’s man trash is another man’s treasure.” Well that’s the same with humans. Don’t screw one over and go onto the next. Make peace with everyone. Nobody should get in the way of your relationships. Keep them separate. You keep one pile over there, and another over here. There’s a reason why people care, and a reason why they give up caring. Don’t be that person that just takes it to the junk yard. Hold on and cherish it. Remember what it was like when you first got it. Apply this to you and your relationships now. I’m tired of feeling like a pile of garbage.