Chapter One

sorry guys. I haven't given up. I've just been super busy and stressed with school and all. Yesterday, though, I started my book. This is the beginning of Chapter One:

 Right now it feels as if I’m typing this during my toughest time of life. I know, though, that other times I’ve been through worse. This is Chapter One. I am starting it on 4/22/12. I don’t want to write an autobiography, no. I want to write more than a boring old book. This will be something you won’t ever want to put down. I hope my stories and my life will inspire you, make you laugh, and make you cry. If it doesn’t do any of those for you, then this whole thing would be a failure.

 I’m not going to start off from when I was born. Quite frankly I don’t remember that, nor does it matter much. Well. I guess being born does matter otherwise I wouldn’t be here typing this.

 Anyways, I’m going to start right now. Literally. I am eighteen and twelve days young. This year is supposed to be full of joy and fun. Right? Well, not so much. Life’s been pretty sucky lately, as in this school year. I’ve been bombarded with work. I’m taking four college credit courses, and two “college-track” classes. This becomes a heck of a lot work for me. When its mixed with my work from K-Mart, I hardly ever sleep. I get home from work at 10:22 at the earliest, usually it’s later. My routine then consists of going on the computer and doing my homework until 12:30ish. Lately, I’ve been up until 1:30 at times, but thankfully I’ve only been working about two or three days a week. I have to wake up the next day at 6:40 so usually I get around 5 hours of sleep. You probably know by now that that is way less than a girl my age should be getting each night. It’s recommend that I should be getting 8 to 9 hours of sleep each night… I wish I could get that amount.

...

I hate caring about someone so much that it hurts. I sometimes wish I had amnesia or something. Seriously. Today I was thinking to myself that I don’t want to love anymore. I’m afraid to love someone else, and I don’t want someone else loving me. It seems like every time something like this happens, I end up disappointing the person, or I get hurt and screwed over. and I hate that. Its like there’s more of a chance of having a bad time in a relationship now, than a good time. I don’t wanna play Russian Roulette with those chances either. I wish I could fast forward life somehow to see how things will go about, or talk to the creator of my destiny, I guess. It just sucks so much… Having to say goodbye every time I see you, and thinking, I wonder if you feel the same way I do. Like I said, I’m frightened, if you truly do love me, I’d be estatic. But then I’d probably be mad. I get jealous, so I’d ask, “well what about all those other girls you hang out with?” and I know you would reply, “oh, they’re just friends. they don’t mean as much as you do to me.” and I would say, “awww, okay.” but really I would get angry at night like this because I know they get to see you more than I do, and I miss you a lot. and nobody would understand how much, cause not even I do. See, the reason I get jealous isn’t because I think you care about those other girls more… I get jealous because I cannot think in any possible way that those girls care about you near as much as I do. And I want you to receive all the love and care in the world, only from me though. So here I am. Being angry, jealous, selfish, and quite frankly, tired, miserable and feeling sick. All because of love. I wish I knew what to do or how to get through this. But I’m stuck until you allow me to hear what your real thoughts and feelings are. Until then I’m stuck dreaming of what can happen, or what I want to happen, and then getting upset again from getting my hopes up. this is why my motto is: “Hope for the best, but prepare for the worse.”